Nancy Cooper's family: Brad killed her

The shock of seeing these words in print caused me to gasp out loud. Not because of any belief or disbelief. I can't explain why, the harsh reality just caught me off-guard.

During this week, a trial is ongoing for the custody of Nancy and Brad Cooper's children. I have chosen to speak here only about my feelings about Nancy and her death. Even then, it has been infrequent.

In the past year and a half I have learned more about grief than I ever wanted, beginning with Leila's death and now with Nancy's; both were tragic and sudden. I understand now that loss is a part of life. I am beginning to understand the social norms around death and the way that the grieving are expected to go inward after a period of public mourning. I understand that the ability to do so is to some observers a measure of one's success at coping. I understand that while the grief may churn above or below the surface, it doesn't go away.

For me, reading the published information around Nancy's death and the ensuing legal battles has given me a focus. Without it, I struggled to know where to focus my anger because no one has been charged with her murder. Reading the news stories, watching the depositions, reading the affidavits: all this makes me feel like I am doing something. And lacking a convicted killer, I was hoping to channel my anger at the people who are part of the public commentary.

With the same public information as the commentators but also with personal knowledge of Nancy, Brad, their marriage, and their relationships, I have been unable or unwilling to do anything but witness. I am asked all the time if I think Brad killed Nancy and while I don't mind or resent the question, I say that I don't know, which for some doesn't really answer the question of what I think. But I stand by the fact that I don't have enough information to decide, so in this situation what I know is what I think.

Nancy's death, the custody case for her children, and the murder investigation have wrenched the local public into attention. I think that is good and right, but sadly, not all attention is positive. I don't know if it is the anonymous nature of the internet (comments are posted with aliases chosen by the commenter) or that access to so much information lulls people into thinking they have all of the information. Nevertheless, I am astonished at the way in which some people with less information than myself are willing to not only draw conclusions publicly, but also to personally attack Nancy and defame the character, intentions, and intelligence of her family (who I believe have acted with more grace than I thought summonable in this situation). These commenters also presume to know the emotional needs of the Cooper children. Here is a smattering of comments from the WRAL website (commenter's alias in parentheses). Note: To be fair, I should say too that Brad has been subjected to some of the same treatment.

"He's the only person I can think of with the motivation and the access," Garry Rentz testified. Your lack of thinking ability is hardly relevent. (haggis basher)

Nancy's parents have the judge, Cary, police dept, etc. in their back pocket..(lilwil)

Ok Parents of Nancy, you know oohhhhh so much more then the Cary Police. Prove it. Stop watching the stupid news. Guess you believe in the 3rd world approach. Guility until proven innocent. (Morrisville)

just because she told everyone he was a jerk doesnt mean it was true. people say mean things about their spouses when they cant have their way. THE ONLY reason her parents are doing this is to get those kids, WHO need to be with their father (Snow whites poisoned Apple)

I think her family should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, defamation, interfering with an investigation, etc. etc. etc. They are despicable and should not even be allowed to speak to their grandchildren. (tarheelalum)

And the Cooper family is also confusing the girls by trying to substitute Nancy's twin sister for their mother. I still can't believe that a judge would take these children away from their daddy and let them be taken out of the country, especially when he is not even considered a person of interest, much less a suspect in the case. (Historians_13th)

The lynching nature of these attacks doesn't make me angry as I expected, so failure in the attempt to use it for my own focus. I don't begrudge people the opportunity to state their opinion, but I do begrudge the stating of one's opinion as fact. The comments defending Brad or the comments saying that he did it don't make me feel good, either. But since I started reading these posts, I am coming to the conclusion that there is enough anger around the subject without my own--and that idea gives me a measure of peace--at least for now.

Quiet Struggle

This past week has been a tough one for me, more on that later. It followed an eight-day vacation and visit with my brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew which was fun, followed by fun, rounded out by fun. This was their first visit to Boise and Jon and I reveled in the opportunity to share our city.

Although having two extra adults and two toddlers in the house with our current count of three dogs led to a certain degree of chaos, it was welcome, especially now that they have gone. I won't try to pull the wool over your eyes by saying that there weren't mornings I awoke to a crying, okay occasionally screaming, child. There were battles over watching television and chocolate milk versus juice. There were disciplinary events highlighted by warnings such as, "Do not sit on your sister!"

My nephew, who is three and a half, discovered the joys of peeing outside while on a recent camping trip back home. He has not, however, learned the subtleties of when it is appropriate to pee outside. On several occasions, we lost track of him in the backyard, only to find him in various corners with his pants around his ankles.

It was fun to see the world through kid-eyes again. We turned over rocks everywhere to look for earwigs and roly poly bugs, visited three different playgrounds, and he learned how to fish with his new Spider-Man fishing rod. Every moment of silence was broken by, "Can I go outside and go fishing?" and "Where is my fishing rod?" After several days of practice while we camped on the Middle Fork of the Payette, he was casting like a champ. Thing is, he kept catching the same red plastic fish!

We caught lots of trout on our camping trip. My brother and Jon renewed their vows with fishing and we could barely peel them away from that river. I myself caught three fish and my brother commented that fishing is like gambling: "just one more cast." The fish were cooked and enjoyed especially by the kids who gobbled them down without hesitation.

After they left, the house was q-u-i-e-t and Jon and I had several "what do we do now" moments. But we settled back in and geared up for the school and work week.

On Tuesday, September 2nd, the search warrants in Nancy's case were unsealed.

I've kept a pretty tight check in the last few weeks on how much I delve into the media and my emotions; some might say too tight, but I felt like I needed a break. But on Tuesday, I poured over all of the available documentation; old and new scenarios danced in my head. On Thursday, I received a completely unexpected call from the detective on the case. The rest of the week was a grief-ridden spiral.

Things are a little better now, but I heard someone say on a radio show last night that grief is not a process. The word process implies a beginning and an end and belies the life-altering proportions of death. I have yet to know how my life will be irrevocably changed by this event, and that unknowing scares me.

Surfacing

The search is over, the vigil and memorial in North Carolina have passed. Nancy's family has returned to Canada for a few days and I guess this is the time when many of us will try to create a degree of normalcy in our lives.

Sunday was the first day that I didn't think about Nancy, her death, and her family incessantly. Monday, yesterday, was the first day that I didn't wake up thinking about Nancy. For days, I would wake in the morning and realize that I had already been thinking about her before I even realized I was awake. At times my grief was paralyzing and at times it felt distant because of my geography.

Life and death roll on.

Our friend Mike, who we met in Boise and who later moved to San Francisco, visited us in Bridger for a long weekend. We explored the reaches of nearby natural wonders in Yellowstone National Park and the Beartooth Pass.

Our Montana neighbors lost one of their dogs; Kathleen went to check water near the highway and her deaf dog wandered into the road.

Our work on the ranch continues with the realization that we will not finish the little house this summer and the conversion of an old lambing barn into a new bath-house.

Tucker supervises the electrical work on the bath-house (if only he had thumbs).

Grief

To my great surprise,
Although a shining light was lost,
The sun still rose today.

I suppose, too,
The stars will twinkle and the moon will rise tonight.
But nothing, nothing, nothing,
Will seem as bright.

For my friend Nancy Cooper: August 25, 1973 - July 12, 2008.

She's Gone

The Cary Police announced today that the body they found was indeed Nancy--and she was murdered.

To my friends and family that have consoled me with calls and support, you have my deepest gratitude. I'm not sure where my grief will go from here. To Nancy's family and her other friends that also grieve for the loss of her, I send my love and my heartfelt and heart-full memories of Nancy.

My dear Nan, I can only send my love for you out into the universe and hope that you find it. I mourn the loss of your friendship and I will miss you terribly.

Missing: Nancy Cooper

My dear friend Nancy Cooper went for a run on Saturday morning in Cary, NC, and never returned. If you are local, please pass this information along to everyone you know and anyone who might be willing and able to help in the search efforts. Please print and post the flyer if you can. Below is a blog that is being used to track the search areas. If you have a blog or other media resources, please link to it.

www.nancycooper.blogspot.com

Dinner and a Baby!

Last night we met Gabriella, she's such a cutie! She is the newest addition to the Cooper family. She is so precious, so tiny, and so delicate. I am always amazed with newborns. It is so fascinating to see such a little person. We wanted to have the Coopers over for dinner but thought it would be a bit much for the whole gang to pack up and come to our house so we decided to take the dinner to their place. Kate went over immediately after work and started to cook dinner. I picked up Kate’s bike from the shop. It was only 37 bucks to have Performance Bike in Cary true the rear wheel, realign the rear derailleur, and replace the chain. I hope that future rides in West Virginia are not as costly as this one has been. After getting the bike I went home and took Tucker for a quick run. It was brutally hot here yesterday. The heat index was around 105. I do not like the humidity at all! After our run T-dog looked like he could use a swim so I filled his pool with cool water. While Tucker enjoyed the soak I watered our berries and other plants near the patio. I got to the Coopers before 7pm, walked in and immediately found myself holding Gabriella. I think Kate was surprised to see me holding the baby so quickly. Thanks to my Mom and Sister for introducing me to newborns early in my life. Dinner was fabulous, as it always is when my wife creates her masterpieces. We enjoyed a salad, followed by a nice vegetarian dish consisting of onions, kalamata olives, garlic, and our homegrown tomatoes over pasta. It was a great evening!

Baby Cooper

Gabriella Katherine Cooper

7/23/2006, 10:50 pm Eastern Time
7 pounds, 3 ounces
Mother and baby are doing well.

Not Yet

Those of you who were at the wedding will remember my lovely, but very pregnant, bridesmaid Nancy. She is pictured below on the far right.

Nancy was scheduled to be induced this morning at 6:30 am. The troops were rallied. Childcare for Isabella was arranged and Nancy's folks are in town from Canada to run support. I was scheduled to arrive at the hospital with breakfast for everyone. If this birth was to be anything like Isabella's, it would be over in an hour. When I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am sharp, they couldn't locate her.

What is her name again? No, we don't have anyone by that name.

And it wouldn't be under any other name? (Umm, like whose? Her husband's? A pseudonym?)

Are you sure she was supposed to be at this hospital?

At that point, I called the house and lo and behold, Nancy answered the phone. Apparently, the hospital called Nan at 4:00 am and told her not to come because they didn't have a bed for her. Not having slept a wink all night, she promptly fell back asleep.

Needless to say, we had bagels at the house. Try again tomorrow...